So one of the things that I like most about myself is how well I know myself. I think I have a pretty low self-deception rate. This isn't an accident, either; I do it on purpose. I've always been self-possessed. Some of it is because I'm bookish and shy with strangers, some of it is because I'm a writer and reader and I'm able to analyze myself the way I might a character in a book I'm reading or a story I'm writing. A lot of it is probably just my nature.
In this context, I'm explaining because one of the things about pregnancy and motherhood that I was warned about, or heard a lot about, was this propensity that people have for offering unsolicited "advice". I braced against it, feeling like I know myself and my husband well enough to know what we want and need when it comes to parenthood. There hasn't been a constant stream of untoward encounters as expected. There was a lady in the grocery store who told me oh so kindly that there's some padded thingy you can use in the carts to protect your baby, since my daughter was just sitting in there, only protected by the little seat belt and the fact that she can sit up and hold onto the front of the cart for balance if I happen to careen around a corner at 90mph. Surprisingly, no one's been bitchy about me being a working mom or for weaning my daughter at barely eight months or whatever.
But the other day, I felt judged not as a mother, but as a person, and I was blindsided by it. I must have gotten pregnant and assumed that from then on, people would only judge me in the motherhood context.
Since mid-pregnancy, I've been involved in a non-profit program where pregnant women / new mothers can meet with a nurse, because we were new in town and were too broke for things like birthing classes. The nurse I meet with asks a lot of general questions about me and my life and my marriage that I consider entirely a therapist's arena. I didn't mind at first; frankly, I was lonely and happy to talk to anyone. I found her a tad condescending sometimes, but she was otherwise helpful and I appreciated the extra opinions and advice, backed by training and experience. Who cares if she was irritating or condescending or whatever when it comes to parenting things? I'm okay with that, since that is why I see her; it's my prerogative whether I ignore her or listen, but I'm not going to get pissed when she answers a question I ask in a way that I don't like or doesn't make sense for us.
But during the last visit, she focused on several things about me: How anxious I am about things like money; how I don't seem to accept any suggestions (even when I've asked for them); how I act like there's nothing I can do to change my circumstances; and how I seemed like I wasn't taking some of her suggestions seriously. I think I did a good job of calmly replying like this: When she asks, "What's been going on? How did it feel?" then I'm brought back to that thing and so I'm emotional. Sorry about that (not). Sometimes it seems like I'm vetoing everything because I'm talking about problems that I had in the time since I last saw you, but we've already found a solution, but I listen because it can't hurt. And when I say that "Some of the time" I blame myself unnecessarily, it's erroneous for a conversation relating to motherhood since I've always done that.
Oh yes, I am anxious; it's part of my neuroticism. I worry about shit more than I should, and I know it; I simultaneously worry and am aware that I'm doing everything I can (within reason and sanity) to solve whatever I'm anxious about. It seems like I feel like I can't change things about my circumstances because I can't. As I said to my husband after the fact, if I made a $100K a year, I'd still worry about money. No underlying psychological reason, I'm just a weirdo like that.
But asking me if I've ever tried to change my thinking regarding my anxieties about money or my stance that there's some things you can't change, and implying that I need to, that's not cool.
So, in short, I wanted to get that off my chest, since I won't ever be rude to the woman, I will just calmly explain myself though I really don't have to justify anything to her, perhaps with a bit of an edge and almost always without being able to meet her eyes lest I am unable to stop giving her the stink eye.
Really, the point here is that I didn't appreciate what she said to me because I do know myself. I wonder how a woman who has said to me that she can see that I'm intelligent and introspective (thank you verra much) could possibly imagine I'm unaware that it's stupid and counterproductive to be defensive about receiving advice I've solicited, anxious about money, and borderline-melodramatic when I explain how I felt about something? My point is, I am perfectly aware that knowing myself isn't the same as always being right, isn't the same as knowing everything, and doesn't mean that I'm perfect just the way I am.
But it does mean that I'm allowed to be skeptical about the wondrous effects of vitamin B complexes.
And it does mean that I know that I am perfectly within my rights to tell this woman that I appreciate all the help, but I'm not finding her "Is-this-suffering-from-post-partum?" questionnaires beneficial anymore. Will I? Experience and self-knowledge says no. Room for improvement: What's life without it, right?
